The Voices

This morning I laid in bed and thought of every reason why I should stay in bed.  And I listened to those reasons.  I didn't get up like I knew I should have and I did do what makes me the happiest.  I thought about my agreement with Thomas about no more races this year and quite frankly, I don't think I can stick with that.  There is nothing left to push towards, no external motivators, no outside thing to make me want to hit my goal for the year.  At this point, it's just a number that I don't see as a number I could reach.  I thought of how I can sign up for some virtual runs.. the YesFit.com kind.  The ones that I have to run all the miles to get the medal for.  I had thought of this earlier this year, but ruled it out a month and some change ago.
From Friday Morning.. Moonlight on the Lake

And then it hit my why I was feeling like this.  I hadn't taken my meds or run in a day.  No wonder there was much whoa is me feelings of self doubt and pity.  Ugh!  I am not that old, my body is in good shape and then I remember that it's not the body that is giving out, it is my brain that tries to seek to set me back.  I often forget that I get it from my mother and her mother before her, and her mother before her.  I was so mad to think that my brain is the reason for me having such a hard time and not the body.  I do so well with until I forget those little pills.  The ones that remind me it's ok, let shit go, it's not a conspiracy.. and it's not that I'm paranoid, it's the thyroid that controls far too much for my liking that tricks me into thinking terrible things.  I hate the self pity and depression that can sometimes take over, that over critical voice that tells me what a fucking loser I am compared to so many who are making it in their lives... I know that's not the truth, we have become a society of putting our best face forward for the whole world to see and hide the pain that permeates our daily lives.  No, I don't want others to know how much I hurt, or that my family is supremely dysfunctional.  I don't want others to find out that I have made poor choices or that I am lonely with my husband gone too much.  I have come to depend on him for so much for companionship that when he's not there I just sleep so I don't have to deal with the fact that I am missing him so.

What will I do to keep this feeling from coming back is now the question.  I could simply remember to take the pills daily.  They seem to help with this pull from my head to think I'm worthless, but most importantly, I will run.  I will have to make different goals and rewards for this goals, because the reward at the end is what I am most interested in, but, I will have to remember that its not a competition between me and anyone else, it's just me and those voices.  I have to make that commitment once again, but no longer to the first one I made it too as she's going to be leaving soon.  Yes, on top of all the self hate and doubt and pity, I am about to lose my best friend and running buddy as she goes back to live with our oldest daughter since they are buying a house.  I don't want another one.  I have to do this myself.  I don't know how I will get through that upcoming patch of reality, but it's coming and it's what it is.
Friday still, Moonlight in the day light

The running will remain, and now for the most bit of the world, my beautiful young daughter comes to me on Friday and says she needs to lose weight because there is a trip to SunSpash and she wants to look good in her bathing suit so now there is that to deal with as well.  Looks like I will be doing a lot more working out and rice and vegetables  than I had been doing.  Yoga will be the workout of choice since I like doing that and I could use some trimming down as well.

I haven't felt motivated to do anything in a while, like I have lost my mojo, my drive, the desire to be better.  Just feel like I'm existing in a strange little bubble of my own reality and everyone else has just as much going on in their lives that they deal with as I do and yet somehow we are all connected in this very bizarre way.  Mind blowing really when you think of it.

I will run today, I have to.  I took my pills so hopefully they will help with getting me back to my own normal.  Until then, I will take care of the family and then take in a movie.  I love my life, but there are some days when those voices area talking in the back of my head again and I can't get them to stop.  I won't let them win today.  They are no as strong as I am.  I will have my own victory today.

Run Happy All~

Friday morning... Maybe a better idea for a  Saturday morning

I didn't hit my five mile mark for Friday, more like 3.5

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