Feeling Defeated
This year has had many ups and downs. I started off with this dream of being some kind of super committed runner who went out every day. I had hopes of completing the You Vs The Year and then going on to finishing with running/walking/cycling 1000 miles.
There have been times when I thought for sure I was going to beat it all, and there have been weeks when I was lazy and didn't want to get out of bed at all. I have laughed and cried during my runs, I have ran in four different half marathons, one 5k, and many other training runs, friend runs, runs in the blistering cold and scorching heat. But I always thought I would get all my miles in for the year.
Thus far, I have finished my YVTY challenge, ran in those four major events for me, ran with my family, but, alas, I don't see me finishing my 1000 miles this year. Why does this upset me so? When I began my own challenge, I signed up for an actual 1000 mile challenge, paid the money for the medal and the long sleeve shirt. And I feel like I don't deserve such a worth prize. I am not going to make those miles is why.
This, combined with the whole problem that is my car, compounded by the fact that my car won't be ready for about another week and I have to give my moms car back this week, I would say that all of this is making me a bit stressed out. Not that the holidays are stressful at all mind you, but, now, this is not something I wish to deal with. My body is aching all over most of the time, I don't sleep for shit with almost an hour of my night I am awake, seemingly about every 10 minutes. Maybe there could be something more to that than I realize at this point, but that's not the point. I feel like I have lost my joy. Dropped my passion somewhere and now I am lost without it. I can't seem to find my voice. I keep reading the cards and they all point to wonderful things to come, but, I feel like I am standing just out of reach of it.
I want to believe that all hope is not lost, and I know things will work out, they always have a way of working out even when I don't see how, but, I feel myself slipping into the swamps of sadness. I know I need to move in order to not drug down by the sticky mud that sucks you down into it's depths, but, I don't know how to move in this stuff.
For the most part I don't like to use the internet as a forum to bitch about work, and while I'm not dissatisfied with work, I just find it to be so lack luster. It's an easy job for me. I like the interaction with some people and some I really don't care to speak with. Some are kind and there are those who want to blame everything on someone else, mainly President Obama, for all of their problems in the world. I have a hard time not engaging in topics that I feel very passional about, and politics is one of them. Religion is another. I feel like we should be taught how to talk to others about these subjects because they are both so important in our world. But I feel like my job is sucking the joy out of me as well as the life. I still dream of being something wonderful and amazing and being able to inspire others, but how can I do that, when I have no zest for life. I'm like meh about it. I'm here and I'm sure that I am learning something, but, I have no clue what it is I am learning and I would like to be able to go somewhere new and start fresh. Like, the Pacific Northwest, or Boston.
Tonight, I didn't run, though I am loving my nighttime cold runs. There are no dogs off of leashes and most people think it's too damn cold to be outside just chilling. So, tomorrow I will lace up and go get em. I need some good things for us. I need some amazing things to happen for us. I need to figure this out, because whatever this is, it's not working for me. I must figure out how to find that joy and zest and passion again... Maybe I need school...
Lastly, I am feeling like I have been dropped by my best friend. We haven't said anything that would indicate we have grown apart, but, it's there. We don't talk as often as well used to and we don't see each other as often as we used to and I miss her. It just bums me out and that's not helping with the swamps of sadness. She's awesome, I'm glad to have her as my best friend, but I miss her something awful. ...... ........ things will work out, they always do...
Good night run Family
There have been times when I thought for sure I was going to beat it all, and there have been weeks when I was lazy and didn't want to get out of bed at all. I have laughed and cried during my runs, I have ran in four different half marathons, one 5k, and many other training runs, friend runs, runs in the blistering cold and scorching heat. But I always thought I would get all my miles in for the year.
Thus far, I have finished my YVTY challenge, ran in those four major events for me, ran with my family, but, alas, I don't see me finishing my 1000 miles this year. Why does this upset me so? When I began my own challenge, I signed up for an actual 1000 mile challenge, paid the money for the medal and the long sleeve shirt. And I feel like I don't deserve such a worth prize. I am not going to make those miles is why.
This, combined with the whole problem that is my car, compounded by the fact that my car won't be ready for about another week and I have to give my moms car back this week, I would say that all of this is making me a bit stressed out. Not that the holidays are stressful at all mind you, but, now, this is not something I wish to deal with. My body is aching all over most of the time, I don't sleep for shit with almost an hour of my night I am awake, seemingly about every 10 minutes. Maybe there could be something more to that than I realize at this point, but that's not the point. I feel like I have lost my joy. Dropped my passion somewhere and now I am lost without it. I can't seem to find my voice. I keep reading the cards and they all point to wonderful things to come, but, I feel like I am standing just out of reach of it.
I want to believe that all hope is not lost, and I know things will work out, they always have a way of working out even when I don't see how, but, I feel myself slipping into the swamps of sadness. I know I need to move in order to not drug down by the sticky mud that sucks you down into it's depths, but, I don't know how to move in this stuff.
For the most part I don't like to use the internet as a forum to bitch about work, and while I'm not dissatisfied with work, I just find it to be so lack luster. It's an easy job for me. I like the interaction with some people and some I really don't care to speak with. Some are kind and there are those who want to blame everything on someone else, mainly President Obama, for all of their problems in the world. I have a hard time not engaging in topics that I feel very passional about, and politics is one of them. Religion is another. I feel like we should be taught how to talk to others about these subjects because they are both so important in our world. But I feel like my job is sucking the joy out of me as well as the life. I still dream of being something wonderful and amazing and being able to inspire others, but how can I do that, when I have no zest for life. I'm like meh about it. I'm here and I'm sure that I am learning something, but, I have no clue what it is I am learning and I would like to be able to go somewhere new and start fresh. Like, the Pacific Northwest, or Boston.
Tonight, I didn't run, though I am loving my nighttime cold runs. There are no dogs off of leashes and most people think it's too damn cold to be outside just chilling. So, tomorrow I will lace up and go get em. I need some good things for us. I need some amazing things to happen for us. I need to figure this out, because whatever this is, it's not working for me. I must figure out how to find that joy and zest and passion again... Maybe I need school...
Lastly, I am feeling like I have been dropped by my best friend. We haven't said anything that would indicate we have grown apart, but, it's there. We don't talk as often as well used to and we don't see each other as often as we used to and I miss her. It just bums me out and that's not helping with the swamps of sadness. She's awesome, I'm glad to have her as my best friend, but I miss her something awful. ...... ........ things will work out, they always do...
Good night run Family
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