Two days of wasting away

With the return of my little one back to the homestead, I admit, I have been struggling with being able to get my runs in the last few days.  In fact, I have spent the last two days doing not a damn thing.  Yesterday, I went to put my shoes on for a walk around the block to clear my head, and as I'm putting them on, I hear the sky opening up and dumping on the earth massive amounts of water.  Not the best time to go for a run I decide.  But, since this was a late in the evening, I wasn't about to go later.

I had wanted to go for a run this morning, but I decided against it because, to be honest, it's been hard for me to get up and go when I am sleeping next to my husband.  I have been so used to his nudging me to get out of bed and go run that now that he and I have different sleep schedules, it's not like I want to get out of bed when he's next to me.  And our days off are out of sync as well, so it's a bit weird for me to get used to.  It's been less than a month, so I am readjusting as best as I can.  I loved being able to do evening runs with him sleeping, because it makes it so easy, but now, with my little Goose home, I don't want to lace up when I get home, I want to hang out with her, so it's back to morning times for me.  I have to mentally commit to the act of this running.  And I haven't been able to do that for the last week.  For that, I am not ashamed, just realizing my own limitations.  I want to be better, and I will.

Last night, I had every intention of going, but, as soon as I had got home, my love wanted to eat, so we did.  Thinking that I would just take a walk afterwards, it quickly became a night of just playing around with the family.  And then I got a call from my mom saying that my older sister is in the hospital for blood clots.  I sat in shock for a while.  After about 30 minutes, I went to leave and instead, I just listened to the rain from our back patio.  The tears wouldn't stop and that was really hard for me.  I kept hearing Simon and Garfunkel in my head, The Dangling Conversation and  A Poem on the Underground Wall.  Well, that and then whole album kept playing through my head last night.  Flowers Never Bend with the Rainfall was another one.  When my sister was still living at home, she graduated and moved just after that, I was still very young.  She loved music and some of my favorite music is because she introduced me to it.  Simon and Garfunkel was one of the artists that she liked.  She had the album Parsley Sage Rosemary and Thyme and we listened to that one a lot.  In fact, I have their collected works because I was so impressed by this duo.  I sat in silence for a long time last night and then I went upstairs and tried to be a normal mom for a while.  I was having some serious issues with that one.

I had a long talk with my husband the night before last about why am I running now.  He asked lots of questions, I am always glad when he makes me think, but, it left me feeling like my reasons for running have changed.  He stated that when I first started running it was to get healthy.  Not that I was overly large or anything, but, it was to keep me from going insane.  I had to do something.  But now, it seems that I run for the medals and the recognition. I don't know if that's true, so I have been pondering this for a a day now.  I want to do races with medals, I like having them, but, to whom am I trying to prove myself to.

For those readers who don't know, I was in the Navy, and then I wasn't.  It wasn't fun leaving either, I have an Other than Honorable discharge.  I am not overly proud of the way that I left the Navy, but damn proud of what I accomplished while I was there.  I had been doing so well, and then, it was all gone and I was crushed.  And the first time I saw my father after my NJP, I could see how disappointed he was in me.  I have run so many miles to feel like I make him proud again, and for whatever reason, I keep trying to obtain his approval.  I know he's proud of what I have done since then with myself, but, how do I convince myself that I am good enough for my own approval?  I don't know, but, I'm sure that the more miles I put on, the more I will think of it and it will come to me.  Will running a race give me back my own pride?  I should think so, but, I know that's not the case.  Will my husbands love and adoration help me figure this out?  I sure as hell hope so.  I want to run for me.  I want to run because I never thought I could do something so small in my own mind and it give me the sense of love and adventure that I wanted.  I love the idea of races and getting medals, but, now, I think I will turn my actions into something even bigger, because there are more than one person living in this same world.  I do it to be a good example to my girls.  I want them to see that it's never to late to do something different or scary.  And I want to run for charity.  I have found a race that partners with volunteers who are vets who provide disaster relief to domestic disasters.  Flooding, fires, stuff like that.  But more so, I want to be apart of this group.  MY fear: Being told that I can't because of how I left the military.  Seems many vets have a hard time with you if you don't have an Honorable discharge.  I have even been told that my service doesn't count for anything if I don't have it.  I don't advertise it and I don't usually talk about it either.  I guess this team, Team Rubicon, that pairs with the Tough Mudder series, just seems like a group of people who understand that civilian life just doesn't seem to make sense.  I am scared to try for this one.  I want to do something but I don't what I can do, if anything.  Today, self doubt is making it's way into my life.

Anyhow, tomorrow is a new day, and I can do my run in the morning.  At least, I kind of have to, if I don't, there is no time after work.  So, for now, I will sign off and say good night.  I am tired and my bed is calling me.  I'm not making sense anymore... Good night all~